My son has a long history of being profoundly oppositional, argumentative and sometimes explosive, both at home and school. He attended special education private schools for students with behavioral needs from 5th grade through graduation.
When he first came to me at age 8, I was working at a special education school for students with behavioral challenges. I would deal with kids like him all day, then I would come home in the afternoon and deal with him. 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙡𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙣𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙡𝙚 𝙛𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧.
I have many regrets about how I dealt with my son's behaviors. Initially, my parenting style bordered on authoritarian, which was extremely ineffective with a highly inflexible kid who lacked resiliency. I was fortunate to have my son's psychiatrist teach me that a combination of authoritative parenting, combined with affective calmness, and the ability to disengage in a way that did not cause him to feel ignored was how I would help him develop better self-regulation, and save my mental health.
Had I utilized a permissive/indulgent parenting approach my son would not be a functional young adult today. He would have remained highly inflexible and developed a distorted view of how the world worked. Most importantly, he never would have learned the importance of reciprocity in relationships, or how to think about others.
The parenting approach I teach in 𝘚𝘤𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘉𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘉𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳 & 𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 is not something I learned from an ADHD or parenting book. It's something I developed as a result of my professional experience working with challenging kids, doing a tremendous amount of research into parenting approaches, and most importantly, what I learned the hard way through parenting an extremely challenging kid.
What makes me different than the well known people on YouTube and social media who speak about ADHD & parenting is that I don't know of anyone else who dealt with extremely challenging kids simultaneously as a parent and professional. 𝙄 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙪𝙥 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙟𝙤𝙗 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙡 𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙖 𝙚𝙭𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙖 𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙦𝙪𝙚 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙫𝙖𝙡𝙪𝙚.
What I teach in 𝘚𝘤𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘉𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘉𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳 & 𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 is outside of some parents comfort zones. In full transparency, I find that some parents perceive providing "scaffolding" through clear expectations, limits, constructive discipline and teaching accountability as "mean" or too harsh. They are more comfortable with the approach the mother describes in the graphic here, even if it means their kids are punching holes in their walls or being verbally abusive towards them. Those are the parents I find tend to cancel their membership to the ADHD Dude Membership Site.
Most kids with ADHD are concrete thinkers. They see the world as "black or white". 𝙄𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙫𝙖𝙜𝙪𝙚 𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙗𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩, 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙗𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠𝙨. Experience has taught me that when parent use a permissive/indulgent parenting approach their child does not feel emotionally safe. He/She does not where the boundaries are, they don't know how far they can push their behaviors. It's very unsetting for a kid to know they can control their parents through their behaviors. 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙠𝙞𝙙𝙨 𝙙𝙤 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙧𝙨 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙨𝙚.