𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗲𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗼 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵. - ADHD Dude - Ryan Wexelblatt
𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀. 𝗜𝗻 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝘆, 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 "𝗽𝗹𝘂𝗴" 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗦𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗮 𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿.
Over my vacation I looked at some comments to posts on a popular ADHD Facebook page. What I read were a lot of comments from mothers who sounded despondent because their children were controlling their homes through their behaviors (inflexibility, emotional manipulation, threats & "noise"). This is not uncommon in families of kids with ADHD. In the education field the term for this is: "He/She runs his/her house."
𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲:
The comments from mothers rationalizing kids' poor treatment of family members through using (not formal) diagnostic labels and the latest lingo from the disability field.
- "𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘱𝘴𝘦, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘖.𝘒. 𝘪𝘧 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦."
- "𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘗𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘋𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘈𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘩."
- "𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭, 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨."
When you protect your child from discomfort, when you rationalize poor treatment of family members and do not hold them accountable for their actions you are treating them as infants. The problem is that they are children or teenagers, not infants. 𝙄𝙩 𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙤𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨, 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢. I have seen this dynamic in young adults who were completely unequipped to deal with life after high school, and sometimes after graduating from college.
𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 rationalize 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱'𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗮𝗴𝗻𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆:
1. Disempower them by treating them as if they're disabled. (I have yet to see any kid who has benefitted from his parents treating him as disabled.)
2. Infantilize him/her by sending the message: "𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘵, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘩𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦-𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘴.."
3. Deny them they ability to develop resiliency, problem solving skills and the self-confidence that comes from recognizing one's ability to get through challenges.
Most kids with ADHD are concrete thinkers, they are most successful at home when expectations are clear, when their parents use 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 combined with accountability, constructive discipline and purposeful praise. They need to know their parents are in control, and to know there are limits. This is what helps kids feel emotionally safe. This should make sense as decades of research has shown that authoritative parenting is the most effective parenting style to raise kids who will become well-adjusted young adults.
The present culture of enabling and infantilizing kids with neurodevelopmental challenges goes against decades of research. It is one that arose through some mothers and professionals validating and normalizing this parenting approach through social media. Overprotecting feelings, enabling and infantilizing any kid offers no long-term benefit. For kids with ADHD, the long-term outcome is that it can make their life after high school very difficult for them. Yes, fathers can contribute to this as well.
𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗲𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗼 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵. 𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻. 𝗢𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴-𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀.
𝗜𝗻 𝗦𝗰𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗕𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿 & 𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, (𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗕𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗) 𝗜 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗼:
💪Step into your parental authority for your kids' benefit.
💪How to not respond to "noise', learned helplessness or emotional manipulation.
💪Cultivate flexibility and not accommodate inflexibility.
💪Teach your kids how to make amends when they've treated family members poorly, rather than useless punishments that do not teach anything.
💪Avoid getting pulled into the "argument/negotiation vortex"
💪Create "scaffolding" for age-appropriate rules & expectations at home
💪Deal with serious issues like physical aggression, suicidal threats, etc.
I have been touched by all of the families who have shared with me how the strategies in the series have made life at home easier for their families, and helped their children feel successful.
𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲: https://www.adhddudecourses.com/FAQs